Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize