porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
