So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
