tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
