I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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