Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
