I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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