I'm lost and stupid without you.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
