Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
