I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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