He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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