Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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