Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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