Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
