I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
