you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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