At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
