She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
