Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I think I sprained my soul last night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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