So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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