Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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