Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
