Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
