dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize