you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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