Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he thought i was a dude.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just found puke in my bra..
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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