I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
