i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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