if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
