I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
