Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
