i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
