I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
