Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
