At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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