Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
