So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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