hotel room ftw
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
