Non-Jews are for practice
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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