Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
