so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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