While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize