I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
