Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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