No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
