I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
