Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
