I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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