Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
