I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
