so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
