Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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