I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Shame is for Republicans.
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