Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
there is puke in my bra ... again
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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