Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
