I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
bring money and cleavage
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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