The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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