You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
