allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize