My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
