walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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