I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
