I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
