if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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