You can't motorboat a personality
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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