im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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