Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
