don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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