trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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