Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
