I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
