he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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