Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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