I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
