Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
